Dating Part 2: Out of Cyberspace into the flesh


My first ever internet date was terrifying. I’d only ever had 1 blind date before that, which was 27 years ago on a double date with my best friend and her boyfriend. My ‘date’ was too shy to look at me, let alone talk, and it was excruciating.

This time, I made a date with the first man I could find online who wasn’t completely unacceptable (surprisingly rare, despite the hundreds of ‘men seeking women’ on pof- plenty of freaks, er, fish.com). He was ok, but 8 years on antidepressants have rendered him somewhat flat and passion didn’t really blaze over our nice cup of tea.

Ay well, move on.

The next one disagreed with everything I said, which gave me some insight into how my ex must have felt. I think I’ve learnt sommat useful there.

As a 40-something year old woman I was surprised by how many 25 year old men (boys?) are keen to service a Mrs Robinson. If all I wanted was sex, I could be busy every night. But looking for a relationship is a bit more tricky. I must admit to being tempted by the handsome young thing who offered to do anything I wanted. On further questioning, he would have come and cleaned my kitchen, bathroom and anything else, if only I’d have been willing to wear some stupid outfit deemed sexy by morons with no imagination. I nearly said yes out of interest, and sheer domestic laziness, but I wear high heels for no-one. Submissives can be so bossy.

Still, I’m now considering a career change- if someone’s willing to pay me to order him to clean my house, who am I to argue? I draw the line at touching him though. I’d be willing to dress as a matron or headteacher, but Supernanny is going too far. And then there’s sploshing- google it, you may be surprised.

These sites really are stalking territory. You can see exactly when someone was last on the site and once you’ve had email contact it seems to have the same effect as a broken tooth- you can’t help checking if they’ve been on, wincing as you do it. Even if you’re not interested, you just keep having one more look. And of course they see that you’ve been on 10 times that day and assume you’re some sort of desperado. The only way to get away from this unhealthy compulsion, and any really disturbing emails, is to block that person completely. This is assuming you didn’t give in to their demands for your phone number. Then you’re on your own, you fekking idiot.

I suggest you don’t swap numbers till you’ve actually met him, but I’m oldfashioned like that. And certainly don’t make him your facebook friend- that way stalking really does lie.

The next man was completely bizarre. He had several facial tics, was obsessed by men in drag, and didn’t listen to a word I said. We did wear the same perfume though- John Paul Gaultier for men- the only one I’ve ever bought, apart from some Old Spice many years ago.

‘AmIaMinger’ is possibly the best/worst name I’ve seen. No suggestion that it’s a joke. I have also been musing over what the following ‘marital status’ means: not single/not looking. So why is he on a dating site? I honestly don’t understand.

I’m not sure what to think about men ‘seeking big, beautiful women’. While I could be categorised as such on a good day, it’s not a million miles from only fancying blondes or skinny women. In my ideal world looks wouldn’t come into it much, but then it isn’t ideal is it? Hmm. Am I prepared to be wanted only for what I look like? A question I’ve never had to think about before.

The fourth and probably final date didn’t start well, as we both sat waiting for half an hour- me in the garden, him in the pub. The possibilities of how to react to someone standing you up without even a text are endless- I went through most of them in my head. I think I would’ve gone for a dignified message-‘ I’m leaving now’. No point unleashing the harpies before we’ve even met. It was ok, we managed to chat. But sparks didn’t fly, there were no violins, and I still to this day have no idea what he thought of me. We chatted for another week ont ‘net, as if the date never happened, then I decided not to bother.

After a few months I’ve realised internet dating isn’t for me. I don’t know if I’m too picky, but all the men seem to be either very boring, bitter or completely bonkers. Or perhaps I’m in a rather small niche of desire – possibly all on my own. Last week I was told I was too clever, after 3 one sentence messages! I think there were too many syllables in ‘subcontracted’ for him.  Anyway, I’d rather be single than endure another lengthy email exchange followed by a disappointing date.

Tho a nice young gentleman caller might be just what I need. It would be rude to say no. Wouldn’t it?

It’s very hard not to keep having one last look. I was lying in bed with my laptop on a Saturday morning when I received the following message from a rather attractive 28 year old I had never seen in my life: ‘fancy a threesome?’. Haha, yes I’d love to hook up with 2 strange men off the internet. What could possibly go wrong?

I think I need a new hobby to write about….. suggestions please.

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